Vietnamese Women Stake Claim on Male Custom
Viet Weekly, News Feature, Julie Vo, Posted: Oct 20, 2004
WESTMINSTER, Calif. –– Nhau. It's a Vietnamese social phenomenon that traditionally involves a group of friends sitting around heaping plates of exotic meats, the smell of pork and beer wafting through the air and the sounds of raucous laughter erupting above the clink of half-full bottles.
It is as much a Vietnamese practice among Vietnamese men as chain-smoking. Up and down the streets of Little Saigon and in Vietnam, you'll find men gathering to nhau in establishments designed solely for that purpose.
But these days, nhau gatherings have strayed from tradition. It's likely now that you will find those who nhau also sport lip gloss and maybe a variety of blonde and auburn highlights.
“As women become independent, it's just something you do with your girlfriends," said Aimee Pham, 23. "Before, you go with your husbands or boyfriends, and now it's more common for women to just nhau on their own.”
In fact, Vietnamese women young and old are reveling in their sisterhood when they nhau, and it's causing quite a stir in the Vietnamese community.
Even men who find women who nhau acceptable say they understand the cultural stigmatization that comes from breaking gender norms.
“I'm totally OK with it, but I think the typical thoughts about women who nhau are 'You should be somewhere else, you shouldn't be here' or 'Women shouldn't be drinking. They should be cooking,'” said Charles Tran.
Nhau is essentially about socializing and celebrating with friends and family. Practiced in Vietnam and in the United States, the Vietnamese nhau is similar to the Spanish tapas where small, appetizer platters filled with exotic meats such as fermented pork, spiced goat, deer, eel and frog legs are served with plenty of beer.
The Vietnamese typically gather in groups of two to eight people at a restaurant called "quang nhau" or at home. Friends gather to enjoy each other's company, talking and sometimes karaoking, all of which can go on for hours at a time.
Some Vietnamese women find that it is just a fun way to hang out with their girlfriends and catch up.
“We just have a little beer, soft drinks and food and have one of those girl talks. We don't do it to get drunk. It's just something to spark our conversations,” said Tina Dinh, 21.
Still, most Vietnamese women do not venture out to the more public quang nhau. Instead, they tend to congregate at each other's homes. For women who regularly nhau with their girlfriends, they recognize that the reasons for their discreet get-togethers are mostly due to societal stigma.
“My husband is OK with me meeting my friends to nhau, as long as it's at the home of our family and friends. I'd go to quang nhau with my husband, but probably not on my own," said Leslie Doan, 39. "Most Vietnamese people don't really accept women who nhau because they're not used to it, somehow thinking we're all crazy ladies or "gai quay." There have always been women who nhau, just fewer in numbers. The thing is, we nhau, but we just don't let anyone know we do.”
The negative perceptions of Vietnamese women who drink without the presence of men are deeply rooted in strict Confucian notions of proper gender etiquette in Vietnam. The traditional views are that women should abstain from alcohol, or only drink moderately, to maintain an image of decency and virtuous character.
“Nhau is a word related to gender," said Cal State Fullerton Professor Son-Kim Vo of the Inter-Cultural Center. "We often say 'dan ong nhau nhet, dan ba an choi,' meaning men get together to eat and drink while women get together to eat, gamble, dance, shop, or worse, to commit adultery.”
“If I saw a group of girls at a quang nhau drinking on their own or smoking cigarettes, I would think they were bad girls," said Buu Tran, 36. "If it were white women, it would be OK. But somehow it's not OK if they were Asian. That's just how I feel; it's our tradition.”
Even Vietnamese women disapprove of their peers who nhau, but not for reasons of bucking the gender norm.
“If you're getting together for the sole purpose of getting drunk, then that's a problem, perhaps doing it to get rid of some pain or loneliness,” said An Thi, 37, referring to habits of alcoholism.
Despite the social stigma, it seems rigid notions of the woman's place in public are changing in Little Saigon and other Vietnamese-American communities. A younger generation of Vietnamese women, whose social values are shaped by mainstream Western culture, are finding a greater sense of gender equality.
Dinh sees no shame in defying the old-fashioned social norms.
“I think in the United States, nhau is misconstrued as just getting drunk. But in the Vietnamese society, it's just a simple get-together to socialize. Some people abuse it and use it to get drunk," Dinh said. "But I definitely think that getting drunk and 'nhau' is not the same thing. So if you're drinking responsibly, and guys can do it, why can't girls?”
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